GAME OF THRONES IS BACK! (Spoilers)

Oh what a glorious weekend!  Not only is it Easter, we have gotten new Doctor Who, the premier of Orphan Black and season 3 of Game of Thrones had finally started.  Oh HBO, why must you make us wait so long between seasons?!  Well I guess absence only makes the heart grow fonder.  It's so amazing to see all of the characters we've fallen in love with back on screen (well a few of them weren't in tonight's premier but soon)... of course when it comes to GoT we have to spend every single episode fearing for their lives.  Nobody is safe in George R.R. Martin's fantastic little world.

So, to give a blow by blow of what happened in this episode is just impossible.  GoT is quite possibly the most complicated show on TV, following more characters than I can count at the moment as my brain is still on fire from watching the new episode.  Not to mention everybody has a completely different plot line... yes most of them are out to get the iron throne, but so many are sneaker than that.  So I'll give the most important plot points in the characters most followed in this episode.

Samwell Tarly:  Oh gosh the White Walkers are active again.  The show opens with their horrifying cries followed by the screams of a dying man... Sam is thankfully saved by one of the White Walker zombie minions by Jon Snow's dog and whats left of the Night's Watch.

Jon Snow:  Jon is taken to Wildlings camp where he sees things he has never seen before.  He is taken to the leader where he pledges allegiance.  Of course, it's hard to believe Jon would actually betray the Night's Watch, but when he tells the Wildlings of the White Walker's and the Night's Watch feigned ignorance of them, the Wildlings accept him into the pack.

Davos Seaworth:  IS ALIVE?!  That's right, despite his ship (and his son) being blown apart by dragon fire last season Seaworth made it through!  Not only that, but he is immediatly able to flag down a ship to rescue him... and who's ship is it?  Why none other than his pirate friend Salladhor Saan!  Well that all worked out rather well for him.  Saan tells Seaworth that Stanis has... lost his mind.  He spends all his time with the Red Woman and does nothing but burn prisoners.  After much begging, Saan takes Seaworth to Stannis... but Stannis won't leave the Red Lady and when Seaworth goes after her with a knife Seaworth is imprisoned.

Robb Stark:  Robb goes to Harrinhal to pick a fight with Tywin Lannister but comes up short as... well everybody is dead.  No, really... Everybody.  Is.  Dead.  Still pissed at his Mom for setting Jaime free, he has her imprisoned there.

Tyrion Lannister:  My how the mighty have fallen.  Tyrion is first accosted by his sister, they have a battle of words but tensions are high.  Tyrion's going to meet with Daddy dearest (or not) and it has Cersei on edge.  But the meeting with Dad doesn't go so well.  See Tyrion just wants Casterly Rock, it's his birthright and he just kicked ass in battle.  Well, Daddy doesn't want his freaky mom-killing son to have Casterly Rock, telling Tyrion that he will be given a job, a salary and a better home but he will never have the family castle.  Never.  Poor Tyrion.

Margaery Tyrell:  Now on her way to being queen, Tyrell's whorey-ness has been toned down.  Actually she's quite lovely, stopping at an orphanage, speaking to the children and giving them toys.  In fact, her kindness seems to melt Joffery's douchey little heart.  It may have grown three sizes that day.  But Tyrell isn't impressing Cersei, oh now a battle of tongues begins.  Cersei is one crazy bitch, Tyrell better watch her half naked back.

Sansa Stark:  Nothing too exciting, but Littlefinger is planning on taking her away.  Of course Shea vows to protect her but when Littlefinger is involved... well this plot will prove to be interesting.

Daenerys Targaryen:  Calm down Daenerys, they're fine.  In fact, they're growing up! SEE:

 Dani finally has her boat and is traveling with what's left of the Dothraki that were following her.  Apparently horse travel and sea travel are way different because those men are puking their brains out.  Daenerys is after The Unsullied, an army of slave soldiers who all look like Shredder from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  These guys are intense, one has his fucking nipple cut off like it was a haircut.  While Daenerys considersbuying these ruthless men, a little girl captures her attention... but FUCK THAT LITTLE GIRL IS A SORCERER!  The girl tries to kill Dani with some horrifying looking scorpion thing, but she is saved by a hooded figure.  Turns out to be Ser Barristan Selmy who we last saw renouncing Jeoffry.  Selmy pledges alleigence to the Targaryen name.  Oooooh things are getting interesting

Of course this is only the first episode, but already we are building up to sooo much!  I can't wait to see where all of this goes!

Vampire Diaries vs True Blood

Apparently lounging in an outdoorsy, dark place makes a vampire sexy.  Anybody who knows me, knows that I love vampires.  I wish I was a Vampire, but as we live in the real world, I have to turn to media to get my vampire kicks.  Other than the American version of Being Human (which I refuse to watch) these are the only two currently airing vampire-centric TV shows.  I loyally watch both, and have even read the True Blood books, but I think it's time for a comparison.  Now, I know how I feel about the two shows and I am sure this is going to be super biased, but feel free to disagree.

HBO vs The CW

Whew!  I really wish I had a comparison photo with Elena, Damon and Stefan naked and covered in blood, but The Vampire Diaries is on The CW so they have to keep it PG13.  But, that PG13 rating doesn't stop the show from being hot!  Sure, it doesn't have the same nearly pornographic hot sex of HBO, where you sit and think "Are they... are they actually having sex?"  I mean, I will never, ever, say no to seeing Alexander Skarsgard's perfect tush, or even, let's be honest, Anna Paquin's flawless rack, but that doesn't a supernatural show make.  The CW knows how to do supernatural.  Literally.  The show Supernatural has been on the CW since 2005 and let's not forget CW was once WB which gave us Buffy the Vampire Slayer which despite being off the air since 2003 and still has arguably of the most loyal fan bases.  They've also given us Angel, Charmed, Smallville, Roswell and currently run shows like The Secret Circle, Arrow and Beauty and the Beast.  But let us also not forget, HBO gives us Game of Thrones.

Advantage: Tie.  HBO gives sexy realness while the CW had been doing supernatural since it was The WB.

Dead, Dead, Deader

These are both shows about Vampire/werewolves/hybrid/shapeshifters/witches and whatnot.  People are bound to get killed.  A lot of people.  You should be worried for literally everybody's safety.  But with True Blood, that is just not the case, and I think this fact has hurt the show.  Having read the books, I know that half the characters who are still on the show are either dead, in jail or on the run, including fan favorites.  I think this is killing True Blood because there are just too many characters.  Every season it seems they scramble to give every single on of them their own plot line, giving us weird plot lines about Afrits that weirdly end halfway through the season.  They drop like FLIES  on Vampire Diaries.  I don't want to list the dead as not to ruin it for anybody who is not caught up, but sometimes I fear for even the main characters.  Not counting Elena because she's died about 200 times.  But this constant cycle of characters keeps the plot lines fresh and keeps viewers on the edge of their seats.

Advantage:  The Vampire Diaries, ain't nobody safe.

The Cheese Factor

Yes, the top picture is of Caroline as a pre-vampire cheerleader using a scarf to cover her bite marks, and yes the bottom picture is Sookie in fairyland.  FAIRLYLAND.  You just can't do a serious vampire show without a bit of cheese and a few laughs.  Otherwise it becomes something too dark to deal with.  I think True Blood has the cheese market cornered.  Between Sookie making fun of Bill's voice or the Queen Fairy voguing while talking, you can't help but laugh and enjoy yourself.  Sometimes the Vampire Diaries takes itself way too seriously and you just want to slap Stefan and say "SMILE DAMNIT!  You're 200 years old and still gorgeous, stop whining!"  At least True Blood is always good for a laugh.

Advantage:  True Blood

Consistency Between Seasons

Sorry True Blood, but you are ALL. OVER. THE. PLACE.  I get that every season you are beating down a new demon, but jeeze, are you comedy or drama or porn?  The first season was a great balance of sex, violence and actual plot.  Season 2 (my person favorite) have a lot of sex, but a great baddie and a plot that involved all the characters in their own way without anybody becoming too overshadowed.  I just had to look up what even happened on season 3, it doesn't even stick out in my mind.  That's a bad sign.  Season 4, Fairyworld and witches.  What the what.  I have to say, the acting in the season was fab, but the plots were kind of a mess.  And this season... well this season was just bizarre with almost no cohesion between story lines.  Meanwhile, every season of Vampire Diaries is interesting without taking on too much.  Yes, sometimes it gets a bit boring and yes, sometimes you get sick of the same whining, but still at least you have a good idea what's coming season to season.  You're not going to be thrown into some weird blood cult or something.

Advantage:  The Vampire Diaries.  They may be whiny parent-less teens, but at least the keep it real.

Skarsgard vs Somerhalder

The two sexiest men with the strangest last names.  Now, I've always had a thing for guys with dark hair and light eyes, but is there such a thing as an unattractive Swedish man?  Just look at Henrik Lundqvist!  So how do we even break it down.  IMPOSSIBLE!  They both play the bad boy, they both do steamy love scenes, they both play a character you root for even if you probably shouldn't and they both are snarky and hilarious.  Somerhalder with that sideways smirk and devious squint in his eye.  Skarsgard with his accented gravely voice and tall, lean body.  Both blue eyed beauties keep me watching each show, just praying for their screen time to come.  

Advantage:  Tie.  HOW COULD YOU CHOOSE?!

So if we break this down, in my opinion  Vampire Diaries win.  True Blood has gone way off the rails, possibly becoming too disconnected from the books the show is derived from.  I am putting faith in the writers to bring it back around and turn the "Bilith" plot line into something interesting.  If I wrote this blog 2 years ago, True Blood might have won, but it just didn't turn out that way.  Don't get me wrong, I will still faithfully watch True Blood, but they better get their shit together asap.