Wednesday, November 12, 2014

American Horror Story Freak Show: A Rant and a Breakdown

So last week I didn't blog out of a mix of exhaustion and frustration.  The whole thing about the shows being linked has really been bugging me.  If you wanted to link the shows 1) Don't call it a miniseries and 2) recast season to season.  Whatever.  Moving on.

I feel like this season has ZERO surprise.  Honestly, nothing has blown my mind like the big rigor mortis Violet reveal.  I feel like I can pretty much predict at least a few things that will happen.

Prediction #1
The strong man will sleep with the con artist (the Denis O'Hare one).  The writers seem to be beating us over the head with the fact that O'Hare is gay, and a good chunk of last week's episode outed the Strong man.  What's a gay con artist to do in small town Florida?  Bang the strong man.

Prediction #2
The bearded Lady's death will out the Strong Man as Jimmy's father.  Subsequently one of them will kill the other.  Anger management issues have been well established.

Prediction #3
Matt Bomer is not dead.  Let's be real, its like when a famous person guest stars on Law and Order, you know they are the killer.  It seemed odd that no amount of stabbing or dismemberment killed the poor, sexy, sexy man.  Either Dandy realized the fun in this and decided to keep a dismembered zombie for fun OR Bomer is able to Doctor Who and regenerate back to his former self.

Prediction #4
O'Hare will ultimately be undone by Edward Mordrake and Twisty.  Mordrake seems to not only kill, but care about his brethren freaks.  It's been established that O'Hare's character has some sort of FREAKY deformity down by his man parts.  My guess is that in thanks for the great Halloween sacrifice of Twisty, Mordrake will come kill the double dong O'Hare... or whatever is going on in his downstairs mixup.

*NOTE:  I have finished typing up ALL of these predictions at 9:45pm.  If any come to pass or get nullified in tonight's episode I want it noted this was written pre-show

My other biggest problem with this season is that it just isn't HORROR.  Sure Twisty and Dandy are, but they don't take up enough of the show's time for it to sink in.  The bright colors are throwing me off, they are just not well done.  Tim Burton knows how to juxtapose color with creepy, think about how freaked out most people were by Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.  Even his circus in Big Fish was creepier than the Freak Show.  And Elsa's tent is getting more and more ridiculous by the episode.  Come on... really.  REALLY.  *sigh*.  Here is my blow by blow of tonight's episode, Bulls Eye:
  • "I take that ungrateful hydra dress shopping."  What a Jessica Lange line.
  • "I liked Dora better."  Well maybe slitting your throat was a bad idea.
  • The alcohol bottle sucker is the scariest thing on this show.
  • MARRY THEM??!??!  
Oh yeah.  Incest.
  • This is how I am making my friends give me presents from now on.  EVERYBODY LINE UP!  IT'S GIFT GIVING TIME!
  • They did not make prosthetic legs that good back then.  Sorry, that feels like a serious inconstancy.
  • Jimmy know's something up with the twins.
  • Fuck yes!  Bed room scene with Matt Fraser!!!  I really really am loving EVERYTHING about him.
  • WAIT WAS THE SMALL GIRL IN THE ROOM WHEN THEY WERE FUCKING!?  What is this show?  That's not horror that just weird.
  • Oh DAYUM PAUL IS GETTING ALL THE ACTION!  Elsa, Meryl Streep's daughter.
  • This bitch is ALWAYS happy.  Get real Bette.
  • Dot looks like she is always 3 seconds away from murder.
  • What the fuck, Dot is one sick bitch.  Killing her sister, fuck.
  • If Matt Fraser is in next season I may consider watching.
  • Somebody just kill Dandy.  He went from scary to annoying right quick.
  • I HATE these imaginings of the con artists.
  • Great,  Another fucking song.  At least this one is period.
  • Is anybody else finding this episode super boring?
  • "Even your sister didn't want you anymore."  Pepper allegedly murdered her sisters baby.  Connection.
  • Elsa deserves an academy award.
  • Trust me by letting me throw knives at you!
  • This is going to be bad.  I am more nervous because I know what's going to happen than I am scared.
  • Saw that coming.
  • That moment you realize tonight's show is 13 minutes longer.  I have to sit through 13 more minutes.
  • Wait, O'Hare is making her do this by herself!??!!
  • That CGI smoke was ridiculous.
  • How the hell many days is Elsa's birthday?
  • "If Elsa says the twins ran aufff the the twins ran aouuuufff."  That accent.
  • Dandy is yelling again and I have checked out.
  • Is it me or does Jimmy look weirdly tan.  Like he is wearing too much makeup.
  • Whoever applied Kathy Bates beard was not prepared for HD closeups.

And its over.