American Horror Story: Head

I've been a TOTAL blog slacker the last few weeks, I mean, I didn't even blog about Doctor Who's 50th, but that may have been because I had an emotional breakdown.  Well, I'm back tonight, giving my live reaction's to American Horror Story.  Now, the show is starting to hit that moment where it will peak in glory or become totally un-watchable.  That being said, if they bring one more person back to life I am going to be so over it.  As Myrtle put it "She's brought more people back to life than Jesus Christ!"  I'm just saying, Jesus only brought like, one person back to life, and the bible is still a roaring huge hit, no need to beat a dead horse and then bring it back to life AHS.

On anther note, the people in my office have a bit of a bet going on who will be Supreme, and currently Nan is in the lead.  I was all "Team Misty" but now that Myrtle thinks she's the next supreme I think she may be out.  I mean, last episode Nan did open the door with her mind AND she was with Madison when she set the curtains on fire.  Who said it was Madison who did it?  Obviously, they are setting it up so that everybody looks like they could be the Supreme.  I just hope it doesn't end up being totally lame.  Okay, here we go:

• Head?  What an odd title.
• OOooh A witch hunting trip.  Of 1700s... in 1991?
• Enter world's most stereotypical looking witch, "NEVER FORGET WHAT THEY ARE!"
• That guy just shot that witch to death with his damn arm on fire.  That's commitment.
• Damn, that's a good wig Fiona.  Because really it's just your real hair.... 

I can clock a wig at 10 yards, girl that's yo hair

• The makeup effects this season are the best yet.  Loving rotting LaLaurie.
• How can she talk?  Her head is in a box.  WHAT'S IN THE BOX!  That's all I keep thinking.
• Can somebody just give Angela Bassett all the awards that there are?

• How is burning her head going to kill her?  It's fucking not even attached to her body!  How is air going through?  No, this magic can't explain away.
• Myrtle Snow, best costume ever.
• So witch hunting has gone corporate?  The fuq
• This witch hunting scene is the most boring scene ever.
• We get it, his hand is burned, how many close ups do wee need?
• Oh God, a MELLON BALLER.  These bitches are losing eyes.

Scariest weapon of all.

• "Power Compassion and Uniqueness."  What is this?  RuPaul's Drag Race.
• "Monk's Hood in your balls."  Balls, head, what is going on here?
• Frances Conroy your a God Damned genius.
• OH FUCK A NUT I WAS SO HOPING THEY WOULDN'T SHOW THAT.
• Fucking finally!  Everybody is giving people life, and healing dead babies and what not, but it took THIS LONG for somebody to heal Cordelia!  You ladies dropped the ball.  And you gave her miss matched eyes on top of it.  Poor Cordelia, your husband hates witches, your eyes be crazy and you have serious mommy issues.  Here, a pity party for you:

I can't have a baby and somebody threw acid in my face and my husband is a witch hunter and my mom killed a bunch of people and I don't like to use my magic, and I was blind and now my eyes don't match.

• There is a LOT of dismemberment this season.  I'm just sad Leslie Jordan is dead :(
• Okay, so now she's not blind she has lost her second sight.  Boohoo.
• What in GODS NAME is Madison wearing on her head!  She looks like a beefeater.

• Does Joan not know she was dead?
• Oh man, his whispering into Nan's ear was pretty HOT!
• This is Patty Fucking-LuPone!  Let her SING!!!  Ugh.  You do not waste Miss LuPone's talent on a crying sing!  You belt that bible shit.
• Severed head Kathy Bates is fucking genius.  Whoever's idea that was, I love you.
• I only just realized why this is called "Head."
• I love that Cordelia is teaching Misty.... like they are sisters!  It's like Practical Magic!!
• OH SNAP!  He was the one who tried to kill Misty.
• Where the hell did that dog come from.  What a weird transition.  
• OH SNAP!  Fiona found....WAIT DID HE JUST EAT THE DOG?
• Luke is a hottie hot hottie.
• What a fucked up way to kill somebody, beed to death.
• FUCK YES!!!!!  KYLE IS NOT THE FRANKENSTEIN MONSTER ANYMORE!!!

• HOLY SHIT BALLS!!! HE WENT AFTER THE VOODOO GIRLS!!!
• OH SHIT QUEENIE GOT IT IN THE TUMMY!!!!  RIGHT IN HER HOLD MINOTAUR WOUND!
• YEAH QUEENIE YOU CRAWL YOURSELF AND BE A HERO!  O MAN O GOD!!! THAT WAS EPIC!  I was like, WHY IS SHE KILLING HERSELF!  But she is a VOODOO DOLL!  OH MAN THAT WAS EPIC. YES.  YES. YES!
• Oh, come on, you knew LuPone was going to kill her son.
• Oh yes, an unholy alliance!  I like where this is heading!!!

To be fair, with all the witch hunter business I was nervous about this episode, but it was PERFECT!  So HAPPY!!!

Dead Rising on American TV

Nope, I'm not talking zombies, I am talking TV and it's new trend of killing pretty much anyone.  If you haven't watched the following shows (and plan to) READ NO FURTHER:  Person of Interest, Game of Thrones, Doctor Who, Boardwalk Empire, Being Human (The UK version) or read The Divergent Series.

Okay are all you guys out?  Last chance.

Good.  So last night, I, a huge J.J. Abram's fan, was settling in to watch Person of Interest.  Well, for me this season has been a bit of "Person of no interest at all whatsoever".  I was starting to find the plot tired, the characters tired and I was considering cutting the show from my epic TV schedule.  But, I was impressed with last week's episode of Detective Carter pretty much single handedly taking down the corrupt cops of HR.  I was down to watch last night's episode to see how the plot would thicken, the previews leading me to believe it would be the end for Detective Fusco.  I had mentally prepared myself for the loss of one of my favorite characters, but when he freed himself from a bad situation, I was overjoyed.

Then again, this is network TV.  Nobody ever actually dies.  I mean, you kind of know it, don't you?  The most shocking death I can remember on network in the last few years is when they killed Kal Penn off of House, but then again we knew that he would be leaving when he took a job at the White House.  So, when Fusco didn't take a bullet to the brain, I was slightly relieved but not too surprised... however, in the final seconds of the show, just when we think we are out of the woods, a payphone rings with a new number and CARTER IS SHOT TO DEATH!

Now, to be fair, I have always felt that Taraji P. Henson was too good for this show.  Not that the show isn't wonderful, it's just that she is such an amazing actress with a RANGE, a tough cop character was not enough for her, in my opinion.  She is an incredible actress who I truly fell in love with in her her Oscar nominated role in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.  But the second Harold heard that payphone ring I knew it was either curtains for John or Carter, thinking it may be John after his number had already come up and Root had hinted at Harold losing other partners.  But no, when corrupt HR 2nd in command Simmons finds the two, he hits Carter who was defending weaponless John.  And since I was so used to Network close calls I was waiting for the miracle, for the ambulances, for the emergency room OR scene, but none of those things came.  Carter was dead.

Well, lots of fans out there may be angry or upset but I am overjoyed.  Of course I am sad to see Henson leave, but the networks are FINALLY catching on to what cable networks/BBC have already discovered.  When nobody is safe, people will watch.  For God's sake, BBC's Being Human killed off every single main character, poor Nina not even getting an onscreen death, and people STILL watched.

And your little wolf too.

It seems like this new trend on American TV started with shows like The Walking Dead, and HBO's Game of Thrones, who killed Ned Stark the apparent main character in the first season.  And let's not forget this years Red Wedding (pictured above) which had fans declaring they would never watch the show again.  To be fair, both of these are based on books, but when Boardwalk Empire abruptly killed main character Jimmy despite his widening character arc, people were shocked.  But the value in these deaths is that the audience gets an adrenaline rush every time they watch the show.  Nobody is safe, not the main character, not your favorite character.  Nobody.  And isn't that real life?!  Cop/fire fighters/soldiers husbands and wives worry everyday for the safety of their loved ones.  It's not like TV where you know they will survive because they are  the main character or "the good guy."

Now, as a Doctor Who fan I should be used to character favorites dying (most recently Rory, Amy, River Song and shortly #11), I should know better that just because it's for "kids" doesn't mean people are safe.  Having just finished the Divergent series I surprisingly left angry as (SPOILER) THE main character Tris died within the last few chapters.  "THIS IS YA!"  I practically screamed, "HOW COULD THEY!"  But, this was the wrong way to look at it.  I should say "BRAVO!  This is REAL!" just like I do with TV, but then again, I think you get a little more invested with books.  So shame on me.  I will be interested to see how moviegoers who did not read the book react when the final film comes out.

So now it will be interesting to see if any other networks follow suit.  Just because somebody is in the poster, doesn't mean they can't die, in fact, in many action shows it's impractical.  So, BRAVO POI, while I am so, so sad to see Carter go I think it's a step in the direction of more interesting American TV.

American Horror Story: The Axeman Cometh

So after last week, we were left with a lot of questions:  What is up with Zoe's sudden power... is she the new supreme or just married to the devil (my money is still on Misty for supreme).  What is Cordelia going to do now that she knows her husband is a psycho killer (Qu'est Que C'est)?  What the fuck is Myrtle going to do once she is heal?  Will we see Spalding in a dress again?  But most importantly, WHERE THE FUCK IS KYLE?!  Here is my live-blogged reactions of tonight's episode:

• New Orleans 1919 looks pretty much like New Orleans today...?
• We meet the title character in an ominous voice over, feels kind of Dick Tracy-ish.
• Oooh Danny Huston!  I love me a great character actor!

• Is it weird that this 1919 coven seems like a bunch of hipsters in brooklyn today "Should we bust out the Victrola and play some jazz yo?"
• Of course, like hipsters, these bitches don't play jazz, they go with opera.
• The death card does not mean, death.  That has always been a pet peeve of mine, generally the death card annotates a major change.  Sometimes it is a loss, but non usually.  I used to be really into Tarot okay!  Learn more here:  Death Card
• Why are they stabbing him to death?  I mean, go women power or whatever, but can't they use their magic?
• Zoe if you don't think Madison is dead, what are you doing with her shit?
• Oh HELL NO!  Since I'm a kid I was NEVER allowed to have an ouija board, my mom told me they could let evil in and I have been TERRIFIED of them ever since.

• Why is Zoe suddenly SO interested in being a witch? 
• OH MAN MY MOM WAS RIGHT ABOUT OUIJIA BOARDS!  Queenie said so!

• OH FUCK!  FUCK NO!  EEEEEEEEEEE This is the most scared I have been since season 1!
• I thought Fiona wasn't gunna do Chemo....  and why can she read minds now... AND WHY CAN'T SHE CURE HER DAUGHTER???
• OOoooh She is doing chemo for her daughter!  Maybe she does have good intentions.
• ZOE!  STOP LOOKING FOR MADISON AND FUCKING LOOK FOR KYLE.  You are too dumb to be the supreme.
• OH FUCK ZOE IS GOING TO FIND MADISON'S BODY!

• Oh MY GOD is that doll room CREEPY!
• OH YES!  This episode is gooooooooooood.
• Why the hell would you cheat on a witch?
• Did Spalding get knocked unconscious by a doll.
• WHO THE FUCK ARE THESE GIRLS?
• <3 Hearing Dennis O'Hare's voice even if it was creepy as hell.
• Lily Rabe is gorgeous..... wait is she growing Myrtle?

• KYLE HAS BEEN FOUND!!!
• FYI did ya'll here Stevie Nicks will be making an appearance?
• Will Kyle be able to talk at all this season.  I love Evan Peters TOO much to see him have a part that feels a little beneath him.
• He does have the CUTEST tushie!
• Awww.... He loves Zoe so much
• WHAT!  CORDELIA'S HUSBAND IS IN CAHOOTS WITH LAVEAU?!
• When did this turn into the Bride of Frankenstein?
• She has been dead for DAYS!!!  It seems CRUEL to bring her back!
• OOOOoooo so hott Moira was a witchey-poo.
• So THAT'S how the coven has gotten smaller each year!  He's a witch hunter!
• Oh Lawd Laveau is PISSED.
• Sarah Paulson is an incredible actress.
• OH SHIT!  SHE CAN SEE THE AXEMAN'S GHOST!
• Can a ghost kill you?  I mean... they could season one but do the same rules apply?
• Good God I hope next year they make Paulson a TOTAL badass.  I am sick of her playing the victim.

• Oh GOSH Fiona is looking for her one last fling!  Is it going to be the Axeman?!?!
• Oh the hat, fucking hell.

Next week's episode seems pivotal with Cordelia learning the truth about Madison's murder AND Queenie going to see Laveau.  Can't waaaiiitttt!!!

American Horror Story: BURN WITCH BURN!

First off, I just want to say I was thinking about last week's Halloween episode, and I have to say, it was an awful lot like season 1's Halloween episode.  Season 1- Ghosts come out on Halloween, Season 3- zombies disguised by the guise of Halloween.  It is pretty obvious AHS is trying to back track on season 2 by going with plot lines, characters and actors that we loved in season 1.  Careful AHS, you are treading on trying to capture lightning in a bottle twice which we know just doesn't happen.... Except Home Alone 2... Then again there were a lot of new and exciting plot's including Cordilia's husband strait up shooting a chick's brains out and then having some kind of acid thrown in her face. Basically, Sarah Paulson is having another really shitty season. Here are my "live" thoughts on tonight's episode:

• Let it be noted:  My upstairs neighbor is playing OBNOXIOUSLY loud rap/dubstep music and is sort of ruining the vibe of the show.  She is also stomping around and possibly throwing random objects on the floor.  She leads a life I will never understand.
• My first thought was "is this a repeat but I never doubt my DVR.
• Madam LaLaurie is a fucked up bitch.  She makes leather face look like a guy who has made odd fashion choices.
• OH SNAP!  LaLaurie's daughters were planning on killing her!  Intrigue!
• WHAT THE FUCK!  LaLaurie tortured her kids and then WEPT over their deaths.  Oh man, was is Kathy Bates the scariest fucking woman of all time?
• They have been dead over 100 years... how the fuck did those girls stay in such good shape?

• Honestly this looks like the beginning of the thriller video.
• WHAAAAAT THE FUCKKKKKKK Cordelia's FAACCEEE
• Oh man... Jessica Lange is giving us some grade A acting in this hospita.  She is amazing I can't even... but can't she just witch her eyesite back.
• When the hell did Zoe become so in charge??
• "Tell it to the Army of Darkness"  maybe the best line ever.
• Oh no neighbor boy!  What are you doing???  I know your all churchy but those things gotta smell, wise up bro.
• WHY THE FUCK ARE THE KILLING INNOCENT TRICK OR TREATERS!?!  Bad move.
• Can't go into Spaulding's room cuz I bet Madison has come back too!
• NAN SAVES THE FUCKING DAY!
• Flash back to season 2 in the abandoned hospital wings.
• What the hell kind of hospital is this?  No doctor are around and the lights are fucked...OH SHIT AND THERE ARE ZOMBIES MOVING AROUND.
• What the hell is this blurry creepy still born baby scene?  Focus the damn camera!  Also... who i that actress and why does she look so familiar?
• Okay... so she brings a stillborn baby back to life... but she can't magically heal her daughter?  This makes no sense.
• Loving the "Night of the Living Dead" car seen.
• Woah... Zoe has grown some balls.  Too bad she can't have sex with all of them and end this.  Some zombie orgy.
• Don't you let your zombie daughter in!  Then again... you may be immortal soo....?
• Spalding keeps giving the best "I am getting tired of your shit" faces.
• SWEET VOODOO SCENE!  Love that they are filled with dust.
• I am sorry, but a psycho bitch like LaLaurie doesn't ever change.  
• Can we just talk about what an amazing actress Jamie Brewer is?  She is really rocking it this season.

• WHAT THE HELL?!  ZOE IS NOW ASH!  WTF IS HAPPENING?!?!  She freaks out with the cops but can totally handle the undead?!?!
• Yeah.. those things run on gas Zoe....
• Well... I guess being married to the devil has some benefits... oh Man is Zoe the new supreme or just the devil?

• What the hell is going on with the lights in this hospital???
• I am getting seas sick watching this scene.. wtf is going on with the camera?? 
• OH SHIT!  CORDELIA IS A BLIND PROFIT!!!!!!!!!!  We are getting all TIRESIAS up in here!

• The council is bacccckkkkkk.
• I can't deal with the epic-ness of Francis Conroy.
• FML WAS IT REALLY MYRTLE?????  Did Myrtle really blind Cordelia??
• IS THIS STORY ABOUT MYRTLE REAL OR FAKE????
• OH FUCK!  Myrtle SNOW!  How COULD you?!?!
• Seriously, Zoe has the best hats.

• Damn, she is taking the fact that she is about to be BURNED TO DEATH really well.
• Suddenly Zoe is squeamish again.
• OH SNAP!  IT WAS A QUEENIE FRAME UP!
• Give Queenie some spit water Fiona.
• Is Fiona just going to tell everybody that they will be supreme?  Then axe them?  What goes on here?
• OMG SPALDING I CAN. NOT. EVEN.

• Oh man... I thought her head was going to fall off... thankfully it was just her arm.
• Misty here to save Myrtle!  Oh come on, Misty is SO the new supreme!

I just have one question... WHERE THE HELL IS KYLE?  Did Zoe kill him???  WHERE DID HE GO??

American Horror Story: Fearful Pranks (spoilers)

Today all the ladies in my office were all atwitter with excitement over tonight's impending AHS episode.  With theories (and spoilers for fans who were not caught up) flying around, it seemed the big questions were:
A) Why the hell did Queenie take a rag soaked with LaLaurie's blood for her Minotaur sexy time?

• My theory- So that when she has sexy time with a black man/Bull head monster her voodoo power will make it be LaLaurie's vag getting rammed and not Queenie's virgin woowoo.

B)  Is Madison is really dead?

• My theory- NO!  If she is in fact the next supreme (which I am still not convinced she is), she has all gifts... resurgence, like Misty has, may be one of them

Well, I'm going to live blog my reactions to this puppy again, if you didn't watch tonight episode read no further because mostly you will have no idea what I'm talking about.

• AHS is coocoo for flashbacks.  Rape, and flash backs.  1961- 3 years before when last season took place. Interesting.
• Why did we suddenly switch to black and white?  I mean, its terrible that the boy died.. but does that make the world black and white.
• Damn Bassett is gorgeous, I would not cross her though... noooo...nooo....
• No we are sepia toned... sepia is the zombie tone.
• Ok, so AHS is into the zombie fad now, and can I say I am impressed with the gore.  Shall I dare hope for vampires next season.  OMG that wold be to hott.
• YES!  We find Spalding having a lovely tea creepy dolls and can I just say DENNIS O'HARE IS AMAZING!  I am so happy we are seeing more of him!
• I feel like Spalding and Fiona have a VERY similar relationship to Constance and Larry... except instead of being a burned man... Spalding has no tongue.  They are really trying to shove season 1 back in our face as if to say 'SEE! SEE!  WE CAN DO BETTER!  REMEMBER THESE PEOPLE?  YEAH!  YOU LIKED THEM!  REMEMBER!"

• Hey, at least Madison died in a serious pair of pumps.
• OH GOD!  QUEENIE!  EEEEEEEEEE! WTF IS GOING ON!
• "Oh Christ!  Your girls couldn't pull a rabbit out of a hat!"
• Girl has a GASH in her STOMACH!  Why you shaving her?!  Thank God for Fiona's breath of life
• Council?  What council?  Is there some witch council?
• I don't get why the voodoo queen does hair... she could literally do anything.  I don't get it.
• Uh oh... box with a Bull head in it YOU KNOW it!  Aaaaannnnddd I was right.
• WTF Kyle!  Stop banging that head, they just put it on!
• Soooo.... Kyle doesn't remember who he is?  I'm confused.
• ARE YOU SERIOUSLY GOING TO POISON HIM???  What the fuck Zoe, at least fuck him to death if you gotta kill him.
• Good thing your zombie boy is out on Halloween.  Also, nice skeleton nod to season 1.
• Halloween now vs. then, excellent.
• Hell yes to sexy witch Jessica Lange.
• This should could be called "The many hair styles of Marie Laveau.
• Oh, no her husband is haing an affair.  I fucking knew it.  That was some weird demon sex.  Never cheat on a witch, that seems like a bad idea... especially with the slutty Moira from season 1.

• OMG YES!  LESLIE JORDAN FROM WILL AND GRACE/RUPAUL'S DRAG RACE IS ON THE WITCH COUNCIL.  I cannot say ENOUGH about the casting this season.

• I am beyond obsessed with Francis Conroy's character this season... everything from the wardrobe to the hair to the voice... its brill.
• Nan has semi-ratted out Fiona... I think that's where her down syndrome is interesting, she has this power and knows how to interpret it, but doesn't know how to deal with it.  When she knows that Madison is dead, she does what she thinks she is supposed to do, but handles it without tact.
• Spalding and the scarecrow.  Brilliant.  He plays a mute character and yet somehow is my favorite...

• Come on Cordelia... you have no ideas what is going on with your kids.
• Oh God, he is going to kill his lover... he is going to kill mini-moira.
• Well then. 
• Aaaaaandddd..... FLASH BACK
• I love the use of white in this season.
• OOOOooooOooooo what an INTERESTING way for Spalding to lose his tongue!  I love this show!
• Lange and Conroy are SO good at playing enemies.
• I KNEW HE WAS GOING TO WRITE MYRTLE'S NAME!  It was either going to be Myrtles or his own name.... but why would he be so devoted?
• Aw, no.. he's in love with her... again.
• WOAH!  MYRTLE MENTAL MELTDOWN!I KNEW!  I KNEW MADISON WAS NOT THE NEXT SUPREME!  I STILL think it's MISTY!  IT HAS TO BE MISTYYYY!!!!

• I need a hat like Zoe's.
• Oh man is Spalding creepy as fuuuccckkkkk.  Dennis O'Hare is WAY to underrated and actor.
• OOOOHHHHH MY GOD.  I WAS.  NOT. EXPECTING. THAT.  So creeped out by Madison's dead body.
• Hank should reek of MURDERING!  Not just bullshit.
• WHAT THE FUCK!  Why can't Sarah Paulson's characters have any peace?!  THIS POOR WITCH!
• Oh God, TRICK OR TREAT THE ROTTING CORPSES OF YOUR KIDS!!
• Is it me... or did the end feel a litttllleeee bit like the Thriller music video?

• Where the hell is Kyle and WHY is Zoe not looking for him?!

Next weeks episode = The Walking Dead.

American Horror Story: The Replacements

After nearly catching up with The Originals and putting Allegiant down, I turned off all the lights (well, except the bathroom light....) and settled down for tonight's episode of AHS.  I've had a tough time blogging about this show because I get SO into it, and don't have time for a second viewing, so tonight I've decided to do something a bit different and if you haven't watched the episode, read no further because honestly, you will have no idea what I'm talking about.  Here is my stream of thought "live-blog" of tonight's episode.  Here are my exact thoughts as I watched from beginning to end.

• Why does Fiona drink and do so many drugs?  Why can't she just poof herself high?
•  Flash back time!  AHS loves flashbacks.... and a goof throat slitting.
• Has anybody ever read The Witching Hour?  There is a LOT of Anne Rice going on here.

• YESSSSSS!!!!  We finally see Dennis O'Hare getting his role!  YES!!!!! I love seeing Lange and O'Hare back together again, "What's the matter cat got your tongue?"
• Is it me, or are we watching this show SIDEWAYS????  Jesus!  The whole scene after 1st commecial break was literally sideways.  STOP WITH YOUR CAMERA NONENSENSE!  Season 1 was too dark, season 2 was too blurry, season 3 FUCKING SIDEWAYS.
• Fiona just needs to try Couger Life.
• What the hell is wrong with Zoe... why would she visit Kyle's mom?  And why is Kyle's mom a weird pierced stoner.  Kyle was the perfect kid... how did she pull that off?
• Sexy new boy next door does what everybody does at the beginning of a porno does... takes off his shirt.  The witch-ey women get horn-ay.

• Never move in next door to fucking Jessica Lange, you gunna die.  Didn't you watch season 1?
• PATTY LU-FUCKING-PONE.
• BWAHAHAHAHAHA Bates crying over a black president is hilarious.  When she turned to Fiona and hissed "LIEEEEEEESSSSS" I nearly peed myself.

• Great, now for some unknown reason we get a fish eye lens.  Who is directing these???
• "Miss Aryian sisterhood."  They wrote Emma Roberts some serious zingers.
• Aaaand we are sideways again.  ARE THE PEOPLE WHO ARE FILMING THIS DRUNK?!
• YEAAAAHHHHH more fleet wood I dig this.
• Awwww Kyle loves Zoe!  Why are they such a great on screen couple?  No matter how fucked the situation I will always root for Tate and Violent... I mean... Kyle and Zoe.
• WOAH!  Mysty just went all Single White Female on Kyle!  Oh GOD Lily Rabe is an ACTING GODDESS... and my guess, the next supreme.
• The hot new neighbor boy is dress like Adam Maitland... he's dead!
• Oh Man, Patty LuPone is plaing a Jesus freak, this is going to be so good!
• WOAH!  Since when did Madison become Drew Barrymore in Firestarter?
• Poor Cordilia... this woman's uterus just can't catch a break!
• WHAT THE FUCK ZOE!!  You don't DING DONG DITCH somebody's DEAD SON!! WHO DOES THAT?!  Fucking Zoe.

• Oh CHRIST Patty LuPone vs. Jessica Lange.  I CANNOT EVEN DEAL!  I CAN. NOT. DEAL.

• Uh-oh, a second power for Madison.... Fiona aint guna like that.
• What the hell was the Kyle slow mo shower scene?
• OH LORD!  I KNEW INCEST WAS COMING THE SECOND MOM SAT ON KYLE'S BED!  WHY!  WHY!  WHY DO THEY LOVE RAPE SO MUCH?!?!?!
• Wait... how does Cordelia know about Marie?
• Marie's throne is AMAZING!  I love that she rests her feet on a crocodile skull.
• Yuck "Baby Gravy" seamen jar.  No.
• Good GOD is Angela Bassette gorgeous or what.

• OH NO DON'T SACRIFICE A GOAT!  I love goats!
• I love that Marie Laveau is plaing solitaire on an Ipad.
• Poor Cordilia!
• Do these girls even do school?  Or do they just lounge around and eat all day?
• Uh-oh is the evil bitch Madison the new supreme?
• HOLY SHITBALLS IS THE MINOTAUR OUT THERE?!?!
• I will admit, I shrieked.
• Oh my Lord is Queenie about to fall for the minotaur?  Oh gosh.

• Oh... Oh my... oh nooo noo... I... I don't think I want to... ooo...nooo...no... 
• Oh come on Evan Peters... PLEASE TALK!
• Oh!  Hello Tate.

• I feel like Madison may not survive this episode....
• Oh I was properly creeped out as Zoe walked through kyle's house.
• Jessica Lang's cancer speech = Emmy
• I knew Madison's murder was coming and I STILL gasped HARD.
• Oh my God Spalding there with a tissue, I can't even!
• "This coven doesn't need a new supreme.  It needs a new rugs"  BOOM!

Looks like next week we get even more Spaulding!  I can't WAAAIIITTTTT!

American Horror Story: Boy Parts

After turning off all the lights (well except for one because I'm a bit of a scaredy cat) I settled in to watch episode 2 of Coven, when I experienced something I haven't in a while as far as AHS is concerned.  Excitement.  I found myself really looking forward to tonight's episode.  To pass the time I watch Disney's Halloweentown (seemed like a good balance), but I couldn't help thinking back to everything that happened in the premiere episode, wondering where it's all going.  IT'S FUN!  I really hope people who were disappointed with last season stuck it out because with in 20 minutes of "Boy Parts" I was in love, not only with the simpler story line, but with the outstandingly strong female cast.

Tonight's episode started with a gator bating, which probably upset me more than anything else that happened in the episode.  Ok, no, that's probably not true, but I can't deal with seeing animal cruelty.  I also couldn't stand Lily Rabe being killed off in the first episode.  Imagine my JOY when she shows up alive and well... and grants the gators new life to kill those poachers.  Later gators.

Lily Rabe's return aside, this episode had some really incredible moments, most of them between Jessica Lange and Kathy Bates.  These are two powerhouse Goddesses of acting and they deliver.  Adding Angela Bassett into the mix, well damn.  These three women, I mean, really.  It's sinfully good to see them all at each others throats.  You can actually smell the Emmy Nominations.  Smells like liquid gold.  Who would actually win?  I dunno three way tie?  Though I have to say, when Bates called Bassett "That black devil" did you expect her to finish that sentence with "BOBBY BOUCHER!"  Maybe I've watched Waterboy one too many times.

But of course, we are talking about three epic actresses here, I would expect nothing less.  What really impresses me is the chemistry between Roberts and Farmiga.  Truthfully I've always thought of Emma Roberts as a weak actress, but I think she is really killing it (no pun intended).  Her fiery beast of a character Madison is a great foil to Farmiga's kind of wimpy limp noodle Zoe.  These two girls are holding their own up against these powerhouse, award winning actresses.  Poor Evan Peters has to hold his own in this sea on fucking awesome women.  Considering he spent most of this episode as a speechless zombie/Frankenstein Monster we can't quite compair yet.  We'll have to see how he reacts to finding out his witch girlfriend is a "black widow" obviously the worst witch power ever.

In this episode we also got a bit of a history lesson.  First of all, we've learned these women are all strait out of "The Crucible".  I mean, I noticed that Lange's last name was Goode, a common last name in Salem and seen during the witch trials, but also in The Crucible ("I SAW SARAH GOODE WITH THE DEVIL!).  In tonight's episode Queenie (Sidibe) mentions that she is a decedent of Tituba and the Theatre Major in me screamed "ARTHUR MILLER!"  Later in the episode, during an intense hair-styling showdown, LaVeau explains to Fiona that she wouldn't even have power had her ancestor Tituba not shown the white girls of Salem.

Tonight we also learned that not only is Cordelia (Paulson) apparently married but trying to have a baby.  Unfortunately, she is having a hard time conceiving and her husband asks her to use magic.  Maybe I'm messed up in the head, but that black magic fertility ritual scene was UBER hot.  Like, so hot.  Hot.

On an ending note, I mentioned before that I was once a theatre major anddddd OH MY GOD IT'S PATTI LUPONE!  It's like they found every strong female actress ever and cast them and I DON'T HATE IT!  Get Helena Bonham Carter on this show and you have me for life.  Also, side not, the "Rhiannon" jam session was amazing.  I fucking love Stevie Nicks and secretly hope she appears on this season.  ALSO-ALSO, When are we going to find out who the hell Spalding is because Dennis O'Hare is amazing and I want to see him do more than be creepy and grin.

American Horror Story: Coven

With last years disappointing "Asylum" behind me, I waited with bated breath for the new AHS miniseries "Coven".  Last season just broke my heart, I wanted so, so much to like it, but with too many characters, way too many story lines and way way too many horror genres squished together, I just could not get into it. While the acting and cinematography were excellent as usual, "Asylum" totally missed the mark.  I think Asylum was just too broad a topic.  Season 1, all about a haunted house, a nice fixed place with genres focusing on ghosts and murder.  It's simplicity made it terrifying.  "Coven" is going back to it's roots, a simple genre of witchcraft ruling the season, and with the creepiest ad campaign to date my level of optimism was through the roof.  I am glad to say, I was not disappointed.  I mean, of course it was only the first episode, but it was a clean and concentrated plot, with enough jumps and gore to keep me entertained.  Spoilers ahead!

Bringing back many AHS alum (EVAN PETERS I LOVE YOU), we know we could expect solid performances.  As always, Jessica Lange knocks it out of the park and with rumors that she will only do one more season (if that) churning ENJOY IT!  Savor her tasting nuggets of grade A acting while you still can!  With the addition of legends like Kathy Bates and Angela Bassett (playing the infamous Marie Laveau no less!), has AHS gotten too big to fail?  It's hard to say since last year that had some superb actors and we got a poo pile.  Sorry to keep dumping on last season, I just really, really did not enjoy it.  At all.

This season is pretty much X-Men but for witches.  Like Rogue, Zoe (played by Taissa Farmiga (aka Violet)) accidentally kills her boyfriend when her witch-ey ways reveal themselves and she is swept off to Charles Xavier's School for... wait no that's wrong, she is swept off to the School For Exceptional Young Ladies by her fantastically kooky Aunt Myrtle played deliciously by Francis Conroy.  This being an introductory episode I wasn't expecting much, but I was happy with the cast introductions, and even happier to see Jamie Brewer as the clairvoyant Nan who can't keep her mouth shut.  Brewer and Lange have great chemistry since season one, I am beyond happy to see her on the show again.  Lange is playing Fiona Good, the Head Witch and mother of the Exceptional Young Ladies headmistress Cordelia (Paulson).  Lange playing Paulson's mother fits well and I had not realized how much they look alike.  Both of these women are strong and powerful actors, so to have them pitted against one another will be epic, I'm sure.

The witch school is lacking in attendance with only 4 girls.  Nan and Zoe who I mentioned above, Madison (Roberts) the bitchy film actress with a bark as big as her telekinetic bite and Queenie (Sidibe) the human voodoo doll.  Like any set of girls forced to live together, these ladies do not get along, especially snotty Madison and sharp tongued Queenie.  I have never been much of a fan of Robert's acting, but she really impressed me tonight, maybe snotty actress is the perfect role for her.  She also had the best line "My frikkin' vagina is sweating."

We were also introduced to Madame Delphine LaLaurie played by Bates, who did the most HORRIFYING things to her slaves, but got poisoned in the end by Marie Laveau, and can I just say, Angela Bassett must be some sort of witch in real life because she looks hotter than ever.  Seriously.

I found the episode highly entertaining, but I had 3 problems and I am sure two of them will be resolved.

1. Did they really only give Lily Rabe one line and then kill her.  If Lily is dead I will be furious!  She was the only part of last season that I actually enjoyed.  SAVE LILY RABE!
2. Just when I was vibing a Tate/Violet revival, THEY KILL HIM?!  Okay obviously from the upcoming trailer they bring him back to life like some sort of hottie Frankenstein, but still.
3. Why is American Horror Story SO OBSESSED WITH RAPE?!  Seriously!  Every season has involved rape.  I mean, it's a tough subject to deal with and AHS keeps using it over and over again.  This episode had a double rape, one of them a guy in a coma who was literally fucked to death.  I dunno, it just seems a bit over the top.

I am excited to see where this season goes.  I already had one surprise when the supposedly poisoned dead LaLaurie was dug up by the chain smoking, tough talking, striving for life Fiona and she has been alive all these years.  AHS has always been good for it's twists and turns, but can they ever top the "Violet is actually dead" shocker.  It will be tough.